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"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won't stop sending me Kit-Kat ads."
"Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? English is just trolling us at this point."
"Nothing says 'I have my life together' quite like eating cereal for dinner while standing in the kitchen."
"Went to a restaurant that said 'Kids eat free.' Brought my inner child. They were not amused."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"Coffee: because adulting is hard and sleep is for people who don't have anxiety about tomorrow."